Friday, October 5, 2012

An ever-present-ever-aching feeling.

I've finally had a dream about Brian. He was a little boy, at a piano recital, a replica of a picture we have of him around seven or eight. Throughout the dream, I kept thinking, Oh good, I'm finally dreaming of Brian, he's with me, he's not gone.

My biggest fear is that if I stop thinking of him, he'll fade away. He will truly be gone.

Funny what the mind does to capture and hold on.
It knows that memory fades, like being in a car, on a road moving away, and as you move forward, everyone else is left behind. They exist; but they are not in your focus. And that focus becomes less and less sharp with age.

Now, I'm sorry I don't have more pictures, or videos or more artifacts of his life.

I was cleaning the cat dish yesterday, (Newkie, his cat, moved with us to Port Orford), and a sudden ache passed through me. I had used the dish for over a year, and never thought about it one way or another. I was thoroughly scrubbing that dish, in and out and around and through, when a thought stopped me in my tracks:   I had just removed the last of Brian's fingerprints;  his DNA had now been destroyed forever.

This is just the  ever-present ache that comes over me suddenly, and I don't have to go out of my way, on a daily basis to experience it. It comes to me when I least expect it, watching a movie, seeing someone, driving down the road, fixing a meal.

His friend Michael Kohan put together a CD of Brian's favorite music.
I've not played it yet. I will cry and rejoice as I listen to it. And that is a most precious state of affairs.



  1. Dear Rosaria,

    Brian's unique 'print' will cover everything you dream, remember, touch ... forever.


  2. My friend, please do not even begin to think that you will not remember Brian. He will be with you always whether it is in your dreams. your thoughts, your memories. You should know that I think of you & Brian from time to time & of Buttercup Williams and we have never met; so do not worry that he will slip away from you.

    1. And yet, that worry is all around me. Thanks for your constant encouragement.

  3. You will not forget, I have lost all my family and they are still very close. I chat with my Mum almost every day, other's may think I am mad. Dreams drift in and out but memories stay. Take care and have a good weekend. Diane

    1. Oh, I didn't realize you no longer have that beautiful family you write about. This makes the memoir even more important.